Restoration Invitation: Reclaiming Safe
The simplest place to begin in understanding and identifying “safe” starts right here and now and in acknowledging that what feels safe in one moment may change in the next.
Scanning the environment around you—what do you notice about sights, sounds, smells, objects around or within you. Do you feel drawn or confused in any way? Is there anything that might help you to notice more about the space around you? Would moving or wiggling help? Would letting out a heavy sigh?
It’s possible your body’s language is more foreign or unfamiliar to you than your mind’s language (or vice versa). Next time, we’ll talk more about how the body’s language might seem to the mind.
I believe in you!
Mary Ashley
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Restoration Invitation: Hardwired for Safe Mode
This is your Restoration Invitation. A bite-sized invitation to consider or perhaps reconsider how you can work with your human nature towards deeper more transformative growth and healing. Follow along on the blog to read previous Restoration Invitations or join the newsletter for up-to-date, more recent invitations. Here’s our first in the series:
What if I told you that much like a computer has a “safe mode,” so do you? Attachment and relationship research (like that of Bowlby) teaches that humans are innately wired or programmed to believe that relationships should feel safe or secure. In that secure mode, we feel most connected and calm and are more able to give and receive.
For many, relationships do not feel consistent or secure, and you do what makes sense: switch into “unsafe” modes. The good news is you can reconnect to that safe or secure mode. Now, the next question is how.
Happy you’re here,
Mary Ashley
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Our newsletter is brought straight to your inbox from a licensed, holistically-minded, and embodied mental health professional (me, Mary Ashley) that occasionally it provides updates about classes/groups, changes, offerings, or events involving Mara Counseling, helping your community stay connected to us and vice versa.
What you need to know about: "It gets worse before it gets better"
It gets worse before it gets better is something many therapists tell clients. We may also say the therapeutic process can be uncomfortable and downright difficult. When we find the junk drawer within our “Self,” we lose the privilege to live blissfully unaware. That means the junk we kept hidden (most likely in means or ways that did not serve our long-term values or Self) enters our conscious awareness. We see it everywhere. In our relationships. In our homes. At work. In our innermost thoughts. In the world.
Being inundated and overwhelmed by insight is a thing. We do our best as therapists to be mindful to taking the therapeutic process of awareness, growth, and healing at a pace the brain can tolerate. Unfortunately, what lies beneath the surface might reveal itself as much bigger than you or your therapist anticipated.
In a book called The Untethered Soul by Michael Alan Singer, I stumbled on a way of describing this phenomenon. Singer explains when we are not living full in the moment or here-and-now (balanced in our mind, body, and spirit), the body and mind accommodate by storing the energy of the here-and-now (in thoughts, belief systems, behavioral patterns, self-concept, defense mechanisms, physical ailments, increased heart rates, etc.). I would love to explain the concept of the soul in this short article, but that seems unrealistic, so shoot me a message or read Singer’s book. As for this energy, Singer says we may unknowingly have patterns, systems, and reactions resisting or clinging to this energy. When a client releases or allows that stuck energy, it is like a dam finally able to release pent up pressure and energy. Think of Frozen 2 (see this scene for reference): the dam bursting is the release of emotions, and it can signal energy is getting released - you may be getting better!
So when things in therapy feel worse, this can be a good time to ask, where might I be experiencing a new area of openness or receptivity to myself, others, or the world? How might this opening or receiving be connected to feeling overwhelmed or flooded? What can I do to care for myself in this difficult time without resisting this release (if that is appropriate)?
I’m here now thinking of you in this difficult season. I hope you have support and you remember to be curious about what is awakening or transforming within you.
Hello, Grief, my old friend.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever experienced grief. Trick question: everyone would be raising their hands. Before you push back, consider grief as experienced on a continuum or across a range: grief is what we experience emotionally, mentally, physically, psychologically, and globally/culturally when a loss is perceived.
For example, a child drops his ice cream in the dirt and the five-second rule is not enough. This child experiences the grief of his perceived loss. We don’t scold the child for feeling sad or angry his ice cream is gone to his taste buds. We grieve with him and agree that it is sad. Of course, grief also shows up in the context of life-altering deaths or major transitions/changes. Whether our perceived loss was anticipated or unexpected, we will experience it.
Grief can be seen in anger, hopelessness, lethargy, apathy, denial, acceptance, regret, sadness, and even in meaning.
So take a moment to consider: what losses am I aware of and how is my grief expressing itself? Can I allow myself to sit in this expression of grief? Am I allowed to be [insert feeling here] about [insert perceived loss here]?
We are globally and culturally grieving the loss of what was before. If we don’t have spaces or places to express our grief, it may show up in unwanted or distressing ways like as depression, anxiety, or physical ailments. While these can be a common manifestation of grief, if it is impacting your ability to function, you may need more support. Please reach out if we can help connect you with resources because we don’t have to grieve alone.
Checking In
Hey friends,
I’m just wanting to check in with you today. How are you? What has been on your mind? Is there anything you want to celebrate together or is something troubling you?
I feel a little silly asking whoever might be on the other side of this post. It’s just I’m sensing a disconnection in the world around me. I wonder if it’s affecting you, too. The virus has in some ways invited life to slow down and at the same time life sped up for us, too.
For some of us, we’re scrambling to feel grounded or rooted. We miss the comforting structure of what was. Relationships may be creeping closer to your heart and your energy than before the world’s rhythms shifted. We’re internally screaming, crying, shouting — THIS IS NOT HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE — all while we attempt to survive in this new new.
Dear ones, I want you to do more than survive. I know we’re fighting and struggling with this transition. I wonder, too, if I must accept this cultural, global shift to begin to thrive in lieu of surviving. That’s part of my check in today - what are you fighting that is not giving or budging? Is there something you want to change that might be outside your sphere of control? I know I am, and I’d bet you are, too.
I want you to care for yourself in this season by acknowledging the monumental change you are still experiencing. If home is safe physically and emotionally, let this time be a time to practice mindfulness (use the Headspace app to learn or check out their youtube videos). If home is not a safe place to open up emotionally, and you’re finding yourself retreating to old places and patterns, find a friend, family member, or professional to whom you can share that tender place. If home is physically unsafe, please reach out to SAMHSA through their anonymous hotline or Al Anon for resources. If you need emergency assistance, call 911. If you do not have social support, reach out to these hotlines who want to help.
This is not dramatic. This is a difficult time for all of us. Please let me know how I can help support you in this time.
UPDATED 4/21/2020
What's you're pandemic story?
The unfortunate thing about having read books during my life time only occurs to me now. In the midst of so much unwanted change and abrupt transitions, I cannot believe how being a consumer of books is setting me up for so much anxiety now. I’m accustomed to being able to read the end of a story, to experience resolution. And yet, I’m finding myself in the middle of a story with no sense of what direction the story is going: tragedy, heroism, drama, death, sickness, pain, happiness, romance. I don’t know. And that not knowing is bringing up so many unwanted emotions and disturbing thoughts.
I don’t know where you’re at in all of this unknown. Are you stuffing it down, avoiding? Or maybe you find yourself yelling at your loved ones more often—you’re angry? We’re all living in the midst of a story with no resolution, no clear plot line.
It makes sense we might be feeling more anxious as our thoughts try to fill in the ending of this current chapter of pandemic. Anxiety can show up in many different ways. It looks like: worst-case thinking, difficulty relaxing, indecision, increased heart rate, irritability/aggression, sleep troubles, excessive planning, digestive issues. Depression can also creep in during these collective times of stress or trauma, so you may see: avoidance, isolation, slowing down or fatigue, sadness, numbness, dark thoughts.
You’re feeling powerless and out of control, so let’s check in on how you can rest as taught by Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith.
physical rest - resting the body by sleeping or napping
emotional rest - choosing time to talk about feelings or to tune into emotion needs (therapy, friends, family)
spiritual rest - setting aside time to meditate, pray, journal, engage spiritually in traditions, practices, or gatherings
mental rest - taking a mental break to leave social media, screens like going for a walk or observing nature
social rest - time with life-giving, restorative people or intentional time with yourself
sensory rest - seeking silence and intentionally resting from noises, visual consumption (screens), fasting may be appropriate for some
creative rest - allotting time to break from thinking and shift into being inspired - music, art, nature, etc.
I encourage you to practice a daily self check-in. Take a deep breath. Now take an even deeper one, trying to imagine breathing in a way that fills your chest cavity, expanding your back, breathing into your neck, head, your lower abdomen and toes. Now how do you feel? You may start with physiological feelings (tense, numb, relaxed, tight) and move into connecting that to an emotional feeling (anxious, calm, scared, depressed). What do you need in this time? Is there a type of rest that might help to release that feeling or lessen it? If so, follow up to schedule or to “rest” in the way appropriate for you. If not, can you ask someone you trust for help whether a friend or professional? We are happy to help you connect. Reach out because we’re experiencing this together.
Local Resources to Greenville, SC (UPDATED 7/14/2019)
Counselors and other mental health professionals often work isolated or disconnected from the colleagues working one wall away. The way we stay connected oftentimes is through local resources, which happens to be how we also help clients connect outside the counseling room.
Here are some helpful resources below. Anything missing? Contact me and I’d be interested to see if I can help you connect (or add it to the list).
RESOURCES
This is an expanding list of resources, both non-profit and for-profit. They represent a small portion of the resources available in the Atlanta area. Please use them at your discretion.
TRAUMA SUPPORT GROUPS
SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priest and other Clergy)
Grief Share – Grief support groups
AID Update - HIV Advocacy, education, and awareness
SUPPORT GROUPS (ADDICTIONS)
Homes of Hope - Affordable housing, men's development, and financial wellness training
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ SEXUAL ABUSE/ CHILD ABUSE
Julie Valentine Center - Rape Crisis/Child Advocacy Center
Safe Harbor - Domestic Violence Organization
Children’s Trust of South Carolina - Preventing and stopping child abuse
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - Resources
Aardvarc- Aid and resource collection for abuse, rape and domestic violence
SERVICES FOR YOUTH
Hospice of the Upstate - Bereavement resources
Big Brothers and Big Sisters Upstate - mentoring
SERVICES FOR ELDERS
Age Wise Connection (Atlanta, GA) 404-463-3333
HEALTH & WELLNESS
The Health Initiative- (Georgia) LGBTQ healthcare and resources
Drug Dangers- Medication and drug safety resource
HOTLINES
Greenville Mental Health Center (GMHC) Crisis Hotline 864-241-1040
Hopeline (Suicide Hotline): 1-800-784-2433
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
Mental Health America of SC CRISISline: 864-271-8888
Mental Health America of SC Teenline: 864-467-8336
Alcoholics Anonymous Upstate: : 864-233-6454
Safe Homes Rape Crisis Coalition (lists multiple local hotlines)
MULTICULTURAL AND MULTIDICIPLINARY
South Carolina Hispanic Outreach / Acercamiento Hispanico de Carolina del Sur - empowering Latinos
Sport Psychology at Synergy Performance - Testing, referrals, and mental health resources
Life Link - Support for Organ Donors
South Carolina Legal Services - Community Education and Legal Representation
What You Need to Know About: Career Counseling
Individual Career Counseling
Life hands us many curveballs. When we're experiencing a vocational or job-related transition, we may find we need help. Career counseling is the most established branch of counseling, so finding the help you need is possible. The typical career counseling career counseling process includes:
Beginning - creating a safe place for you to grow and understanding the problem
Exploring - discovering more about you through assesment and information gathering
Decision-making - deciding what options you might pursue
Preparing - making your action plan including skill development and resource acquisition
Implementing - carrying out your plan and gathering feedback
Career Information and Resources
Or if you're simply looking for resources in this time of transition, I want to help. Below you'll find some resources that work in conjunction with my career counseling services and my Resources Page.
Assessments
John Holland’s Self-Directed Search (SDS) | Career Exploration and Assessment | Cost ~$10 | self-directed-search.com/
Strengths Finder 2.0 | Discover your Strengths to Utilize in your Occupation | Cost ~$18-80 | The Assessment: gallupstrengthscenter.com/ | Information on the Assessment's Uses: gallup.com/
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator | Personality Assessment | Cost ~$50 | mbtionline.com/
State of Georgia and Department of Labor Services
Explore Careers and Job Analysis | onetonline.org/
Find a Career Center | dol.georgia.gov/
Job Fairs Offered in Georgia | dol.georgia.gov/
Transitioning from High School into the Work Force | dol.georgia.gov/
The Career Search After Age 50 | dol.georgia.gov/
Georgia LaborMarket Explorer | Read Relevant Employment and Career Data | explorer.gdol.ga.gov
Georgia Quick Start | Incentivized Career Development and Training | georgia.org/
Operation Workforce | Careers for Veterans | operationworkforce.com/
Georgia Vocational Rehabilitation Services | Careers Services for Individuals with Disabilities | gvs.georgia.gov/
other Helpful Sources
The Ethics of Career Counseling per the NCDA | National Career Development Association (NCDA) | ncda.org/
Atlanta Mission | Non-Profit Career Services and Training | atlantamission.org/
Goodwill of North Georgia | Non-Profit Career Services and Training | goodwillng.org/
Resume Samples | career.uga.edu/
Resume Guidelines | career.uga.edu/
The Five Processes of Career Planning by Kris Magnusson | counseling.org/
Career Development as a Life-Long Process with Donald Super | careers.govt.nz/
Explore New Zealand's Career Resources (Recommended for their excellent presentation) | careers.govt.nz/
What you need to know about: HIPAA
What the heck is HIPAA? Are you sure you typed that right? Isn't it HIPPA? Well, if you're a patient seeking counseling services, you have a right to understand your right to privacy, when receiving health care services. So let's give you some basic information on HIPAA and what it means to you, the patient or client.
HIPAA...
- stands for Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act
- was created in 1996
- protects clients' or patients' privacy in receiving medical and mental healthcare services
- creates a federal right granting patients access to their health information with few exceptions
- does not affect established confidentiality expectations for health care providers (e.g., except in some cases when a patient poses a risk to themselves or others)
- grants patients the ability to define who has access to their records with few exceptions
- gives healthcare providers some flexibility to communicate with patients' loved ones, whether time-sensitive or not
- could be improved upon to better protect clients, in regards to changing technology and distinguishing between types of health information (physical vs. mental)
Well, now you're an expert on HIPAA. There is always more to know, and the Office for Civil Rights has published some great resources to help you as patients understand just why it matters and how it might affect you.
More information on...
Your Health Information Privacy Rights
Privacy, Security, and Electronic Health Record Rights
Sharing Health Information with Family Members and Friends
HHS.gov/HIPAA
What you need to know about: Looking for a Therapist
Are you a couponer taking time to search for the best deal? Or maybe you take your time to look for a special, one-of-a-kind item? You may not realize it, but how you shop or even how you establish friendships says a lot about what type of therapist might best meet your needs. It is so important you and your therapist mesh well together. That's why I'd like to share some tips I picked up from Psychology Today (you can find the original article here, written by Bret A. Moore, PsyD), just for you - the new client, searching for your new therapist.
First, ask us what our "theoretical orientation" is. This is a fancy way of finding out if your view of your problem fits the therapist's view of your problem. It may not be important to you that these answers match, but it is important to understand how your therapist seeks to help you grow and heal.
Second, ask about their experience with your problem. If you have a specific goal or problem in mind, asking about the therapist's direct and indirect experience lets you know whether or not the therapist is a good fit for you practically speaking.
Third, understanding the therapist's experience and training is important. Some programs for counselors are online, some are integrative (incorporating a faith or religious tradition), and some may have specializations or areas of emphasis. Understanding the therapist's background helps you understand their clinical experience and whether they have a Master's degree, a Doctorate, or are fully licensed.
Four and fifth, therapy can take time and precious financial resources. Ask up front based on your presented problem or goal, "how long might this take and how much do you charge per session?" Talking about this upfront is important because your time and resources are valuable. The therapist's answers could very well send you towards a different option.
When in doubt, remember: Trust should be at the core of your relationship with your counseling professional. If you trust them, the hope you experience and healing you find will grow in potential.
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This post utilizes the questions presented by Bret A. Moore, Psy.D in Psychology Today
